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Ksenia Anske

June 12, 2016

It's so hard not to belong

by Ksenia Anske


Sculpture by Bale Creek Allen

Sculpture by Bale Creek Allen

Sculpture by Bale Creek Allen

Sculpture by Bale Creek Allen

I keep looking for belonging, and I can't find it. I know in my mind that I should feel like I belong, but in my heart I don't. My language, my country, my people, my family. Everything changed, and changed again, and every time I think I found it, it escapes me. I keep searching. Why do I keep searching? It's exhausting. Why can't I stop? Why can't I be content with what I have? Something is missing. It's like I don't have roots and simply drift. I don't have history. Don't have traditions. I change and adapt like a chameleon and I keep changing, keep looking for a new color. Maybe this will be it. No. Then maybe this. No, not this either.  

It is perhaps the pain of every immigrant, to give up the place of birth and to wander to new places only to miss the old, the faraway, the familiar.  

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TAGS: This was brought on, by reading Maya Angelou, I felt her sense of belonging, the American history, the American culture, and then her recognition, and I thought, I'll never be able to be honored, by the president of my country, What is my country?, it's the question I can't answer, I have never felt this so sharply before, so thank you, Thank you for adopting me into your family, wherever you are, we are one