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Ksenia Anske

January 12, 2016

The daily battle with fear and conditioning

by Ksenia Anske


Art by Alessandro Sicioldr

Art by Alessandro Sicioldr

Art by Alessandro Sicioldr

Art by Alessandro Sicioldr

"Do this. Do this. Do this. Don't do this. You're not doing it right. Do it like this. I said, like this. Do this. Do this." The constant directing and scolding and reprimanding that starts early eradicates something in you, the rush of spontaneity, the impulse to have fun, to simply jump around and do nothing and be happy for no reason but being alive. The fear sets in. "I'm not doing this right. I'll be scolded. I better do a good job." Girls get the heavy end of the stick. When boys are allowed to "be boys" which is total bullshit, girls are taught to confirm, to be good girls, and to watch boys have fun as reward. 

"Don't you dare come home dirty. Shame on you. Dirty as a boy. Go wash yourself." We can't get into fights. We can't tear or stain our clothes. We can't masturbate. God forbid we get caught. With boys it's inderstandable, "They have the urge." Which is another bullshit myth that we've been fed. Biologically a woman's libido is stronger, if we're reduced to talking about ourselves as animals. Which is yet another bullshit underneath the first bullshit. When we talk gender we reduce it to biology to hide behind bogus ideas. 

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TAGS: art, feminism, personal, battle, love, women, fear


February 2, 2015

The trip to Spokane and how I keep shedding my fears

by Ksenia Anske


It happened! It happened! The universe provided—because I shouted that I will wring its neck if it won't. Namely, I've been invited to do a book reading at Auntie's Books (THANK YOU!!!) in Spokane and had no idea how I would get there (I have no car), but then a miracle happened. Like, a real miracle with thunder and lightning and everything. One of my readers, Katie Lee Cook, shouted at everyone everywhere to find me a ride. Then my other reader, Cassie Rainn, has graciously offered to haul my skinny fundament from Seattle to Spokane and back. And she did. And not only that, she made me dried bananas and strawberries and elephants, and fed me along the way.

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TAGS: fear, emotions, creativity, reading, Spokane, bookstore, fun, pain


December 18, 2014

The fear of writing well

by Ksenia Anske


Photo by Sarah Hoey

Photo by Sarah Hoey

Photo by Sarah Hoey

Photo by Sarah Hoey

I'm afraid to be good. Afraid to write well. It's a ridiculous, ludicrous statement. I hear you saying, What? You're afraid of what? It doesn't make any sense. Yes, it doesn't. It's that luminous cusp between an amateurish philandering with words and the mastery of language, that point when you can sense you're getting better, but you're not quite there. Yet. And the pressure to get there fast is insurmountable. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It holds me back, this fear, it's unexplainable and debilitating and degrading. I don't feel like I can talk about this to anyone, it fills me with shame and self-loathing, especially because it's new and puzzling.

Where did this fear come from?

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TAGS: writing, fear, fear of writing, writing well


September 6, 2014

On death and writing

by Ksenia Anske


Photo by Amy Spanos

Photo by Amy Spanos

Photo by Amy Spanos

Photo by Amy Spanos

I have blogged about death before. When Philip Seymour Hoffman died (here is that post), and when I came across a man on the highway who was hit by a truck minutes ago and died (here is that post), and when I was hit by a truck and didn't die but woke up in the hospital with a bloody face and half of my body bruised black (here is THAT post).

Joan Rivers died 2 days ago, and multiple tweets about it made me look her up. Yes, I have heard her name. No, I didn't really know who she was. It took for her to die, for me to discover her. Her biting wit, which I immediately fell in love with, and her heritage. Turns out, she was born to Russian parents. I was wondering what was so appealing to me in her humor. It's the sharp unapologetic truth and the stabbing hilariousness and the bitter charm that I have in my blood, yet am still afraid to let go. Thank you, Joan, for showing me that I can. You told me that I can say what I think, through comedy. What would I have done without you dying? You can punch me in the face from comedic heaven for saying this, because you must be the queen of it now. I'm convinced of it.

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TAGS: death, dying, writing, fear, sarcasm, humor, truth, comedy


August 27, 2014

On writing rules and not giving a shit

by Ksenia Anske


Photo by Ana Luísa Pinto

Photo by Ana Luísa Pinto

Photo by Ana Luísa Pinto

Photo by Ana Luísa Pinto

How timely, to talk about this. It seems the topic is in the air, with the latest article on Haruki Murakami and how he doesn't give a shit, and the latest blog post by Chuck Wendig on how you'll never get anywhere if you compare yourself to others, and my own thoughts today and yesterday and the day before, after reading a book a day, literally, first THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PAJAMAS by John Boyne, then THE GIRL ON THE FRIDGE by Etgar Keret, and comparing writing styles and scratching my head. And, well, thinking. And what I'm thinking about is this. How none of the writing rules you learn help you write better. Yes, it's beneficial to know the basics of grammar and plotting and expositions and whatever other fancy names literary scholars employ describing all the smart parts of the writing process. Smart as in, things you usually have to look up to know what they mean. I'm the one guilty of this. I still don't know all the proper terms and labels and components. I only recently have learned the difference between a metaphor and a simile and I'm about to start writing my 3rd novel. Pathetic, right? I know. And yet. And yet I didn't feel the needed to know them all, and here is the thing I want to share with you.

Writing rules are there to be broken.

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TAGS: doubt, fear, beginning writers, rules, writing rules, shit


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