I've been procrastinating in writing this post by trying on dresses for the New Year's Eve party, until I couldn't procrastinate anymore. Then I realized I was scared to write this, that's why I've been avoiding it. Because the year 2013 was huge for me. I self-published my 1st trilogy SIREN SUICIDES, self-published by little book of tweets BLUE SPARROW, wrote my 2nd novel ROSEHEAD, went to Russia and helped my mom to recover from a stroke and a heart-attack, saw my aunt and cousins whom I haven't seen in almost 10 years. And, most of all, I got comfortable being a writer. It's the skin that fits me. I often feel guilty for being able to write full time, for doing what I love, and I hope the year 2014 will be the guilt-free year for me. I hope it will be for you too, because without you I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing. You, my readers, you became my new family.
I keep seeing these posts from people on various social media channels, my dad sent me this for Christmas, my mom told me this on Christmas, we went to my parents for dinner during the holidays, etc, etc. You know what, it's amazing that those people can do it, because I can't. I don't know when I'll see my dad next, maybe not until he's in a coffin, if at all, in case it happens that someone will be nice enough to notify me if he dies. I'm sorry if this is morbid, but it is what it is. Since I remembered that he sexually abused me and confronted him, he cut me out of his life. Not like he ever called me since I came to US before that, it was always me who did it, and I got scolded if I was late... My half-sister on my dad's side denounced me, so I don't know when I'll see her again either. And my mom... Well, she lives very poorly. I did what I could this time when I went to Russia, but there is nothing much I can do at the moment except to call her as often as I can, I don't have money to help her. She also appeared in my life only recently, after I physically went to Moscow and found out where she lives. Anyway, shit, I'm sorry. I don't want this post to turn into a sob story of my life. What I wanted to say was, if you happen to have parents who care for you, who are proud of you for your achievements, parents who send you gifts, no matter how silly or useless, parents who call you and post pictures of you online and whatnot, you are so lucky. I'm so happy for you, for having them, because I don't. My kids are my family. My boyfriend who fell in love with me when I was in a very bad place and divorcing, he's my family. His kids are my family. And you. YOU became my new family. You, my readers, my friends. I wish I could reach out and hug and kiss everyone of you, to show you how much I love you. You pushed me to write, you sent me encouragement when I was down, you keep sending me amazing letters telling me that you love my books. You are there for me always, and I'm incredibly grateful for you. I'm crying as I'm typing it, because YOU became something I've never had in my life. You give me so much love, that sometimes my heart wants to burst and I slide back down into that dark land of guilt. I can't have this much love, I think, I don't deserve it. But I do. And you do too.
May this coming year be full of love for you, may it be the year you decide to abandon your fear and create something you wanted to create for a very long time. A piece of art. A song. A piece of music. A dance. A performance. A whatever. Or, if you have always wanted to write a book, may 2014 be the year when you write it. FUCK FEAR. Go crazy. Make mistakes. Change, grow, dare. Do it precisely because you're afraid to. Throw yourself into your story without looking back, and you know what will happen? You will feel lighter, happier. You will change people around you with this new happiness, and with that, you will make the world a happier place. Write. Pour your emotions onto paper and you'll feel reborn. You know how I know? Because that's what writing did to me. I feel reborn, I feel brand-spanking new, and I feel like I'm as happy as I ever was in my life. I wish this for you, I wish it will all my heart. I'll be always your delirious writerly panda. At any time you can always come to me and cry on my shoulder. I'll do my best in trying to make you feel better and inspiring you to keep going, to create, to make art, to write. Happy New Year to you, darlings, I love you forever and ever and ever, and thank you for making my 2013!