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Ksenia Anske

November 7, 2016

I have retreated into myself to search within

by Ksenia Anske


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There are no paths where I'm going, only chaos. There is no sound, only garbled noise. There is no up or down, no left or right. I have to create it out of nothing and make sense of what was never meant to make sense, and yet if I don't, it will continue to hound me, to stalk me; it will continue to feed on me from the inside, until it will make me hollow and brittle, and I will collapse like a skin-sack without bones to hold it up because they rotted away, the flesh long eaten to nothing by the fears and the doubts and the self-hatred. It is the path to coming out the other end and being able to share my journey, when I'm through. And I'm not through it yet, I may have just turned its darkest corner.

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TAGS: It's unsettling, to dive deep into your own psyche, without help, no therapist, no friend, no one, only you, and yet it's needed, I think like the searching for a spirit, the going away alone, into the woods, they way we used to do, before we forgot how, and I do actually want to go into the woods, alone, to try it, to be at peace with myself, and to realize I'm not alone, there are the trees, and the mountains, and the animals, and the earth, one big mother under my feet, one day I'll do it