Sad day today... not that Father's Day is celebrated in Russia, but it is in US, and I'm reminded of my father. I don't know if I'll ever see him or my little sister again (she is on the right). Ever since I started having panic attacks, was suicidal, and finally remembered that he sexually abused me and confronted him about it 5 years ago, he cut me out of his life, as did my sister (she told me I'm crazy and made it all up to hurt him as he is now old and can't bite back, at least that's what I heard from her last).
I miss him. He is a writer, like me, and yet he never talked to me about writing or taught me things. It must be in our blood, though. I remember him reading to me and my sister, those were the good times. He lives in Moscow somewhere. I don't know the address, or a way to contact him. Not that he would answer.
This is the only picture I have where we are together and smiling, and as I was posting it, I have noticed for the first time to my horror that he doesn't wear a shirt. He liked parading his body around. It made me shudder. The things we don't see when we turn ourselves blind...
This is my letter to you, Papa.
I guess my blog is a place where I can talk to you, since I can't talk to you face to face. Although I have just looked at your Facebook page, and you're still there, posting stuff, and it's eerie reading your broken English. You haven't blocked me. I wonder what will happen if I send you a friend request? You will probably block me, that's why I haven't. This way I have at least some connection to you. I haven't tried calling you since our last conversation five years ago. I assume you probably won't pick up or maybe you changed your phone number. From my stepmom I know that you have moved, but I don't know where. I know other little things that have trickled through the family vine, some I have promised not to talk about publicly.
I want you to know that I have forgiven you. I love you. I miss you. I hope one day I will see you to tell you this in person. I hope you will reach out. If not, I will try to find a way to reach out to you so that I can talk to you. It probably won't be online. I will probably have to travel to Russia again to see you.
Until then, papa.
Your daughter Ksenia.