A poem by a baby bear wearing zombie-protective glasses

by Ksenia Anske


Photo by Noukka Signe

Once upon a time, one sunny, errr... strike that, one rainy day, I tweeted something about writing poems, specifically, something about a poem from a point of view of a baby bear wearing zombie-protective glasses and purple mittens, because he can. In other words, some NONSENSE, as usual, but I guess it struck a chord because one of my Twitter followers, a certain Adam Silke from United Kingdom, has been on my back ever since to make me actually do it. And I thought, what the hell, why not? So here goes (done in about 10 minutes, so please don't kill me, I'm not a poet! And I changed he-bear to she-bear, of course...):

A poem from a point of view of a baby bear wearing zombie-protective glasses and purple mittens...
...because she can.

I sit in a hole dug up in slothy furrow
I eat berry pie that pandas let me borrow
I watch flying unicorns fight a striped crow
WHEN my zombie-protective glasses pinch my brow

I see my purple mittens stained with red
I feel mice, rainbow butterflies take me to bed
I count their steps up and up and right and left
WHEN someone's mouth opens up right ahead 

I'm swallowed whole, in one gulp, in one go
I slide and I glide and I twirl and I flow
I drop into a belly on top of furry pillow
WHEN I stop all this nonsense
BECAUSE I CAN! 

P.S.: Okay, this is a horrible poem, but...whatever! Why did I do this? To prove that I can. Writing lyrics for the first time was the same thing - I've never written lyrics before, but then when I set my mind to it, I did. So, would you be up for some nonsense? Want to continue this story in the comments? Say, each of you post a little 4 liner? 

P.P.S.: I swear I didn't eat any mushrooms for dinner. This is totally random. I promise that tomorrow I will return to normal and will blog about something very useful. 

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BLOODY SANTA vs ZOMBIE SIREN. Chapter 10.

by Ksenia Anske


This is it! Last Chapter of our chain story by 10 different writers. Read about how it started here.

Please welcome our 10th author, Danielle Tauscher (aka @writer_danielle). Danielle says that she is: "Writer. Coffee drinker. Master of the shin-kick. I write about dead things & kissing, but not kissing dead things." Danielle wrote a collection of short stories PEOPLE LIKE ME & Other Stories.

Photo by Steven Depolo

BLOODY SANTA vs ZOMBIE SIREN. Chapter 10 by Danielle Tauscher

“Santa? How are you alive?” Edwin asked, not believing his own eyes. Santa shouldn’t have survived the sirens. No one could. Not even the red goblin.

This ruined everything.

Well, except for the part where he saved Edwin’s life, that is.

The red goblin chuckled. “You think I couldn’t handle a few horny women? Please. I’m Santa Claus.”

Santa dropped Edwin in the snow. It might’ve hurt had he not already been in pain due to the nasty gash in his Achilles heal.

“Now for you, Edwin The Original,” Santa scoffed, “You’ve been very naughty. What should I do with you?”

Edwin didn’t like the look in Santa’s black eyes or how the flesh fell from his bones.

“I know the Sirens’ secrets, sir. I will be useful in defeating them, my Lord,” Edwin said, trying to sound calm and strong, but failing miserably.

Why would he want to defeat the sirens? Santa had always been into the kinkier side of things; a little flesh eating made him vulnerable yet powerful. With Liara and her girls he needn’t hide himself. He quite enjoyed relinquishing his authority for a few moments in Liara’s grip and mouth. Despite her frosty exterior, Santa knew her inner warmth. He didn’t need this little elf’s secrets.

“’Sir’. ‘My Lord’—pulling out the big guns, aren’t you, now? It won’t help you. Not this time,” Santa said.

“Santa—“

Santa held up his hand to quiet the elf.  He squatted next to Edwin. His face, mere inches from Edwin’s, so that when he spoke Edwin felt his spit on his cheek. “Tell me why you did it? Why did you kill her?” Santa whispered.

“I didn’t. You saved me,” Edwin said, confused. Surely those sirens ate part of Santa’s brain, Edwin thought. 

Santa abruptly stood up and with his boot kicked the elf in the stomach. “Not that siren bitch. Why did you kill Mrs. Claus?” Santa asked. For good measure, he kicked Edwin twice more in his stomach. “No lying, Edwin. I know when you’ve been naughty,” Santa said, winking.

“I don’t—“ Edwin started. What could he say?

Edwin’s body screamed at him to run, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand, let alone run away from Santa. And where would he run if he could? Santa knew the truth. And this Santa—this disgusting human—was more powerful than all the Santas that came before him. Something wasn’t right.

Edwin took a chance and went with the truth. Either way, he was dead. “I needed you to destroy the other originals.”

“Why?”

“To gain their power,” Edwin said. It was the only way he would have been able to eventually kill Santa and take over the kingdom.

“But I could have killed you, too,” Santa said. “How did you know I wouldn’t?”

“I was your favorite,” Edwin said.

Santa was quiet for a moment. When he spoke it was a whisper, “indeed.”

Edwin choked on his words. “Am I… are you going… kill me now?”

“Not I. I can’t possibly kill my favorite original elf.” Santa wickedly smiled. “But them,” he motioned to the tribe of sirens slinking up behind him, “they can.”

Santa turned toward the women and spoke. “Ladies. Dinner is served.”

The sirens circled Edwin. His eyes darted from one to another and back at Santa.

“But I don’t understand,” Edwin said.

“Of course not, you ungrateful fool. You dare think you, a pathetic little elf, could destroy the king? What a fool, you are, Edwin. This is what happens to those who cross me,” Santa said. “I’m bored with you.”

“Please, don’t do this,” Edwin begged.

“Already done. Ladies. Eat,” Santa said. He turned from Edwin as the sirens began to pull his flesh from his bones. Santa heard Edwin’s bones snap and the slurping of his blood. He smiled. This was his favorite part.

Santa stopped next to Liara who stood away from the vile scene. Her eyes gleamed in the grayness of the night.  Santa wrapped his arm around her waist. “It’s time to come home, Mrs. Claus, you’ve had your fun.”

P.S.: This is the last and 10th Chapter of BLOODY SANTA vs ZOMBIE SIREN. Here are links to previous Chapters: Chapter 1,Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6Chapter 7, Chapter 8, and Chapter 9.

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